Monday, May 4, 2009

Why is it called a honeymoon?

Our honeymoon in Vegas was great. It was warm, and we got to sleep in until 1 O'clock most days. We saw 5 wonderful shows: Mystere, KA, "O": all by Cirque Du Soleil. We saw BELIEVE by Chris Angel and Cirque Du Solei ( not my favorite, but pretty good) and, The Blue Man Group. We got to hang out with some of Mike's old friends , Who also happen to be the lighting crew for 2 of the Cirque shows. I got to get a back stage tour of the "O" theater, and Mike showed me all around the KA lighting booth. The Bellagio hotel had a beautiful indoor garden with super cool water features; globes and archways made entirely out of water. There was a butterfly house and a zen garden. It was all so beautiful we didn't know what to take pictures of. Outside the Bellagio there was of course the famous dancing fountains. We stuck around the the warm night air to watch two of the shows. We bought M&M's from the largest M&M store and enjoyed them and a cup of Coke across the way at in the Everything Coca Cola store. had I probably gained 10 lbs eating out all the time in lounges and restaurants. We went to spas and I even got my nose pierced ( again). . .

We had so much fun we never wanted to come home.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The kids

In an instant I went from a mother of two to a mother of six. Suddenly I was hearing "mommy" in surround sound. I am the proud owner of 9 year old triplets ( not really, but I do have three 9 year olds) , an 8 year old , 6 year old, and a very cute ,but bossy 4 year old. I don't have all the kids ALL the time. There are weekends that we have 6, 4, 2, or, no kids at all. it's been very interesting meshing all their very different personalities into our small house in west valley and now into our even smaller house in west Jordan.

Ethan (9) is a very dramatic kid. He worries a lot about a lot of silly things. He is also very smart.

Miranda ( 9){ bottom picture , in goggles} likes to be the mom. She also has quite a little temper and doesn't mind showing it. She loves soccer and playing with her dad.

Keander ( 9) likes to role play and take charge of all the games. He's a tender kid and wears his emotions on his sleeve.

Gabi ( 8) laughs like a chipmunk. She also likes to play mother but is pushy about it. She's sweet and cuddly.

Collin ( 6) is funny. He doesn't even have to try. He was born on April 1st. it's in his make up. He loves HOT WHEELS and has a stubborn streak that could stop a train.

Brylea (4) knows she's cute and uses that to her advantage. She picks up the traits of the other kids like a chameleon. She stays awake way past midnight coloring and drawing in books.

When we have all 6 here , needless to say our house is VERY full. They all have to be reminded how much we love them and that they need to love each other and that " no, hitting each other and calling each other names is not OK!" Some days it's harder than others , but I love all my kids. Even when their feet stink.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Therapy- AGAIN!!!!!

I'm in therapy again. therapy's good, especially when someone such as myself carries around as much anger as I do. Anger is very tiring. I got so very tired of wanting to hit or scream or run a 5k or watch ultimate fighting whenever Kevin and I parted company. I was so tired of being angry. Kevin and I have had so many conversations about our past relationship and it's problems and it's final ending, that we both thought we left it all in peace and behind us. We even asked and forgave each other, but yet there has been so much anger between us. I have been very confused and honestly my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I was beginning to feel like my wrongs were unforgivable. I thought Kevin forgave me, so why was he still so angry at me I at myself? If my wrongs were unforgivable than, I must be a VERY bad person. Why would God ever listen to me or even want me near Him? This had been my train of thought of the last few months. I decided that the only way I would ever be able to forgive myself and get over the anger I harbored for myself was to get over the anger I felt for Kevin. to therapy I went. I love therapy. It puts everything into perspective. She told me that me anger is totally natural. Anger is your body/mind/emotions/ way of telling you that something is wrong. What was wrong in this situation is that Kevin was still angry and probably still trying to control me a bit the way he used to. He still had a key to the house and could walk in when ever he wanted and pick small fights with me about Ice cream scoops. He tries to change the divorce decree to try to keep control. Although, It may feel to me like my divorce happened a million years ago , it was only last year. Emotions are still raw on both sides and it will only take time for the anger on both our parts for it to subside. She said that moving into a house that is "mine" and has no connection to him will do wonders for me. Kevin can no longer just come in. He will no longer have control of that part of my life. As for the custody stuff, she reminded me that I am the custodial parent. I have ultimate and final say in their living arrangements. I have to think about the kids and their well being and not let Kevin control me in that either.

After an hour of listening and talking, the funniest thing happened. Something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I was hoping to walk out of there with a way to cope with my anger, but I began to feel a little bit of faith building up again.
My anger was natural. His anger was natural. There was nothing wrong with me. I could be forgiven. I could forgive myself. It would just take time, like everything else. I just needed to breath and try to keep my cool around Kevin for awhile and let time heal everything.

Friday, March 6, 2009

March 4th

March 4Th would have been Mine and Kevin's 10Th anniversary. I didn't think about it most of the day. Occasionally I would get mad because we were supposed to go to Disneyland on our 10Th, but other than that it was totally out of my head. I was packing my closet and I fond on that day of all days my wedding video. I had totally forgotten that I even had one. Just for kicks I put it in and Mike and I watched it. the Quality was really bad ( it was VHS) and it look all cartoony and weird. We knew Mike would be in some of the video so we spent our energy watching for him. When we saw him we would get excited and laugh and tried to remember what we said to each other. He would comment how pretty I looked and how my smile made still makes him week at the knees. Most of the video didn't bother me, it was the very end that really touched me and began to make me tear up and hurt a bit. I had taken still pictures of the times we had BEFORE we were married and put them to music. A blind Idiot could tell how happy we were. Kevin once said our marriage ruined our friendship and from the look of those pictures, that was a bare bones true statement. He was my best friend. I cared about him so much. I only wish some of that friendship could have carried over to our marriage. I wish I could find a few pictures so you could you what we felt together once upon a time.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

total stress

A lot has happened in the matter of a few short weeks. I got fired. We found out that our house got sold and we had a until the first of April to find a suitable home to live in. That 's not an easy a task as it sounds. We also have to finish planning and execute our "wedding /reception" . Oh yeah , and pack. I am so stressed. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot and I yell a lot. What hurts the most is that my kids, whom I love so deeply can see and feel the stress I;m under and want to be with there dad. We'll who wouldn't. there's no stress there. Brylea bought me a chocolate chocolate doughnut yesterday with her own " gold" moneys. I don't eat sugar , but I ate it for her , because she got it for me to help me feel better. I need help with something. Prayers. packing. I sometimes that the world was a big marionette and I was the puppete master controlling it all. making it all go the way in needed it to go. I was talking to my mom the other day and expressing to her that I don't know how to have faith. I don't know how to turn ever thing over to the Lord. To put my life in his hands and trust him to take care of me. I have always needed to have control. I don't understand the Lords time, when my needs are now. It's so frustrating. the only thing I know how to do is fast and pray. Fast like Enoch. Is that the right prophet? the one who fasted for all those days , what was 3, 40? My mom told me I'd be dead if I fasted for 40 so 3 is all I can do. I have to do something. I really need a job. I'm a really good dental assistant. I just need someone to give me a chance- again.

Friday, February 27, 2009


What the crap is Facebook?

Once a month my family ( mom, dad, brothers and sister and their families) get together to have Family Home Evening. On one of these nights they start talking about Facebook and say " Brenda where are you?" " We all get on there and wonder where you are. You need to get on there." I barely know how to blog. I'm getting instruction from my 12 year old niece. My step kids mother spends all her time on Facebook and totally ignores them and I just couldn't see how that could be possible. NOW I can!! The thing is so blasted confusing I spent over two hours just trying to get things set up. That's probably why she spends so much time on it, she can't figure it out either. I had better get a job soon, or I just might become so addicted to figuring out Facebook that I too will ignore my children. The Internet is bad news man. Oh! wow. My Facebook just now popped on with a message from my gorgeous husband. I'm telling you this stuff is weird. It even knows who my friends are before I do. ( pretend you are hearing the theme to the twilight zone)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

crash and burn

I got fired today.
Naturally I'm very upset. Not so much that I got fired because I was looking for a new job anyway. I hated one of the Dr's I worked for and apparently he hated me too. I was still in the 90 day grace period, so my attendance was being monitored very closely. This idiot Dr kept sending me home for the stupidest reasons. One day he sent me home because I started my period. What a jerk. He said he needed me to be on top of my game. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but i had to go home because he said so. He also said I asked too many questions. Well, I needed to know where all the materials and other instruments were kept if he wanted me to assist him. He didn't like my attitude either. I sang songs and hummed along with the Kozy 105 that was always playing. I guess that was the wrong attitude to have. Anyway, he sent me home enough times that I got fired for it. I know why he didn't like me. I did do something that I probably shouldn't have. I kinda called him out. He had a bad habit of correcting me and his other assistants in front of the patients. It made us all look stupid. I was often humiliated for really stupid things like leaving a blank line on the patient charts. One day I had had enough of his correcting me in front of the patients so I told him so, in front of a patient. I asked him how it felt to be humiliated. I realize now that that was a bad call on my part. Now I don't have a job and no money and a very big house payment. This is the second time in 5 months that I have been unemployed. I don't know if I'm being punished or humbled. Mike says maybe I'm being a little bit of both - pummeled. Sure does feel like it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Our new table

I have been so sick. I have had Bronchitis. I have also been looking for a better job and trying to hide the fact that I have Bronchitis. Is's not been easy. I am very tired and worn out. blaaaaaa.

One of the many bad things about going through a divorce is the splitting up the furniture. In one day I lost my couch and my table and most of the pictures and decorations in my kitchen. My house felt very empty. I felt very sad and empty. My house was very sad and empty. My wonderful Mike told me that he had an old table in Cedar City that needed a little work but we could go get it and use that so we wouldn't have to eat on the floor any more. We had to go to St. George anyway for some custody stuff so we would just make a pit stop at his old house and pick it up.

I still don't have a couch and my kitchen is mostly bare, but my real estate guy doesn't mind that, but now I have a beautiful table thanks to my Mike. Here are a few pic's of him working on the table.
The sander was making such a big mess of dust that he hooked it up to the vacuum. It was a very loud few hours, but I didn't have to dust afterward. That was nice.

Sanding off all the old finish. It had been left outside at one point for quite awhile.

We chose a color that was too light at first and it didn't match the chairs. And my finished Table. Isn't it nice? it's so nice to not have to eat on the floor. The really funny thing is, is that Kevin now has the small, dinky table and I have the big, nice one. Ha ha!!!!

Staining the table a nice Dark Walnut color.
We'll be going back down to Cedar City again at the end of February, Then I'll have a couch to sit on down stairs and a freezer for my grage. woo hoo!!!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

More like my sister than I thought

I passed out at work today. I dead fainted!!!!! I was assisting with the extraction of all 4 wisdom teeth. The first one in this poor Lady's head was impacted so we had to surgically remove it. No big deal. Made it through that one no problem. stitches and all. The second one came out really easy. The Third one was also impacted and had to be surgically removed. I made it to the stitches. Suddenly I felt all the blood in face drop at a rapid pace to my toes. I got really hot all of a sudden. My hands started to sweat and the room started to look like it was underwater. I yelled for another assistant... " DAWN....!!!!" Then I heard the Dr. Say " Catch her!!!!!!!" I hit my head on the sink on the way down. I was laying on the floor of the Dental office for I don't know how long before I awoke to 5 assistants and 2 Dr's standing over me and a huge headache.

They dragged me to the break room and made me eat sweet potato pie. ( I don't eat sugar so it really made it all worse). Dawn , the other assistant , decided I fainted from stress because of my kids and my stupid ex- husband. To save face, I agreed with her. The office manager made me go home once I was feeling well enough to drive. Really, was that necessary? If I could drive I could hold a suction straw and polish a few teeth. Anyway I had to go home , and now I'm out a half a day's pay for my weak constitution. I need a better job.

Friday, January 16, 2009


I've decided that some people are afraid of my life. It's not full of ribbon's and bows and happy stories about my children keeping me up all night and all the fun things I've done with my them lately. That's OK. My life is full of those things ( except the ribbons and bows). I am a very different person than most the people I know. My life is complicated. I don't love it. i would rather spend the majority of my time running around with my kids and a visiting with my neighbors and going to wal mart in my pj's. Life dealt me a different hand. I chose a different road to walk down and now I'm doing my best to deal with it. I do the best with what I have. If feel bad ( sometimes) that i offend people on the way. I feel really bad the friends that I thought I once had are no longer showing interest in me because I'm to messy, or what ever. I Thank the ones who don't really care about the current mess because they seem to realize that it will eventually wash off. I'll climb out of this hole I'm in and I'll know who to thank for helping me out on the other side. I might even be wearing a ribbon or two.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

new theme song today

today I'm mad so I get a mad theme song. My ex-hole pulled a dirty one on me. in our divorce decree I'm the custodial parent and we have joint custody so he gets the kids 135 days of the year. He gets to have them every other weekend and one day of the week. He often complains when I ask him to pick the kids up from daycare because I have to work late because he has a date or it's his night to go play with his brother. well, the other night he calls me and drops a bomb on me. He tells me he now wants the kids 180 days a years regardless what the divorce decree says. He wants them half the year. 4 days out of the week and if I say no he will star a custody battle. Well that doesn't give me much choice it? I told him no. he says I'm denying his rights as a father. i said he signed legal documents stating that he agreed to the 135 days of the year and they were now signed by a judge. It can't be changed. He now wants to re wright the papers. I don't think that can be done with out a court battle , so he basically said " bring it on". I'm looking for a good custody lawyer. I'm worried about my kids and what all of this will do to them. He doesn't seem to put that into his equation. not really sure how to help them. I love than so much. I cried a lot that night. I don't know what happened to the man I used to be married to. He has changed from the gentle giant to a hulking beast. It makes me sad.

Monday, January 12, 2009


do you believe in curses?

Friday, January 9, 2009

maybe a break in the storm

I have decided that I need a theme song. something to pick me up when I'm feeling down. One of my favorite songs is FLOAT ON by MODEST MOUSE. The lyrics seemed to fit my life and how I need to shape my attitude so I added music player to my blog. So, if your speakers aren't already on, turn them on and give my theme song a listen. I added a few other pick- me -ups to that player too. : )

I had an interview at another Dental office today. I REALLY want this job. The hours are great and when I said how much I wanted to be payed the Dr. said that it sounded reasonable. WOW! that has never happened. He understood that I don't know how to do everything and said that was OK too. "Everything is easy enough to learn f you're willing to learn", he said. How cool if an office would this be to work in? Too cool!!! That's how!!! He wanted me to set up a working interview for next week, so when I talked to his front office manager to set the interview up she was shocked that I already have a job. She seemed almost put out, like what was I doing looking for another job if I already had one. ( nobody does that) She asked me if the office that I currently work for knows that I'm looking for another job. I fumbled my answer and said something stupid like -" they know the possibility of me looking for another job." She just gave me the stink eye and scheduled my interview. I was feeling so confident until she started acting all weird. I KNOW i told her I had a job the day we talked to set up my first interview. i was AT work when we talked. I'm afraid now that she'll call the office I currently work at and give them a heads up. Can she do that? I don't know. what I do know is I need a lot of good luck to get out of this storm so I can just FLOAT ON. . .

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

extracting a tooth...

I love being a dental assistant. I get to see some of the coolest and some of the grossest things. Yesterday a man came in to the office with tooth pain. He said that when he bit down it felt like something sharp was jabbing his brain. I work well with imagery. I'm not so good at taking x-ray's the first time. I usually have to put people who are already in pain in more pain a few more times until I get just the right x-ray of their sore tooth. Sorry guys. The Dr's that I currently work for ( Yes, I said Dr's. I work for 3 different Dr's. I hate it. I am soooo looking for a new job. It's hard to keep track how each guy does things. ) will usually pull a tooth rather than do a root canal. That's been my experience so far anyway. So , this guy that was having something shoved in his brain when he bit down was a BIG guy. He had BIG teeth too. The Dr. decided that the tooth was just a wisdom tooth and in such bad shape there was no need to do a Root canal ( of course) so it would be the best course of action to extract it. The Dr's in this office also don't feel that it's necessary to make another appointment to do said extracting. They want to do it now. It surprises everyone. All the patients break into a sweat, but I think they are all to afraid to say " wait, what? right now?" Did you know that there are forceps for every quadrant of the mouth? I didn't either and I even went to school. I grabbed the wrong forceps once and very quickly learned under the wrath of a Dr and one of the other assistants that there are indeed several forceps and cruets and elevators and other tooth removing devices for all 4 quadrants of the mouth. I still don't know them all , but I sure try. So, this big tooth guy didn't have a chance to say "wait" before we were in his mouth yanking on his fat tooth. It was stuck tight. The Dr. had to stand up over the guy's head. I could hear cracking and sucking noises. I Kept making "eeww", and "yuck" noises. The Dr. Kept giving me dirty looks. I think I almost passed out once. Finally the tooth came free. It was a HUGE tooth. I can't even tell you the rest ,because just remembering what the Dr. had to do next is making me feel woozy. This was a bad subject to write about. I won't do it again. I hope you're not going to have lunch now ore think about this the next time you go to the dentist. I just happen to work for so exceptional guys! Next time I'll write about when I got the prophy paste in my eye.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


About a million years ago I was reading some other blog and the woman writing it wrote in her profile that she loved her husband to the point of being pathetic. Wow! My heart nearly broke with ache, because I believed I would never feel that kind of love. I had never known anything but the feelings of possession that mimic love, and the love of a very good friend, but never real , knock ya off your feet, this is the guy, romantic kind of love until now. I am finally able to identify with that unknown blog woman. I am pathetically in- love. I had no Idea love felt so good. No wonder there are so many books, and poems written about it. I understand romantic comedy's a lot better now. I don't feel that little green jealousy bug bite be anymore when I see a truly happy couple. I used to hate looking at other peoples wedding pictures. ugh!

A little thing or two about my Mike: Mike and I met during our Junior year of High School. We met in creative writing class. He thought it was funny that I wrote BLAAAAAAAA really big on the inside of my note book and then belched into it during class. I showed the class my Belch page and everybody laughed , ha ha ha. Mike thought I was so clever that he wrote , cough, hack, hack on the inside back cover of his note book and when ever he had to cough that's where he did it. Copy cat.

We became fast friends , and would often do things together like go up the U on the mountain during a lighting storm so we could watch the lighting all over the valley. We would got to parks in the middle of the night and just swing on the swings and talk until we were stupid with tiredness. When I bought my first REAL car I took it up to his house to show him and we sat out front kicking the tires while he explained to me the best way to pay it off quickly. When I wrote the stupidest ONE ACT play ever he never criticized me like everyone else did he just designed my set for me and wished me luck. I remember sitting up in the theater seats just watching him, dressed all in black, while stained the floor of one section of my set.

After High School, Mike went up to the U and I didn't. He invited me to a few of the plays that he designed the lights and pyro technics for; the ones I went to were totally freaky so I quit going.
I remember running around the hall of the drama department of with him and sneaking in places we weren't supposed to go.

During the summers he would go to Cedar City to work for the Shakespearean festival. He would come back up to Salt Lake and bring me gifts and ask me to come down and hang out for a while. I always said no, because I was a chicken of my directional skills and had never driven that far yet in my life and was afraid I would get lost. After several attempts to get me to come down he finally stopped asking, and I didn't see him again until his wedding 4 years later.

When he saw me at his wedding he began crying and introduced me as his best friend. He later told me that when he saw me he realized he married the wrong person.

We didn't see each other until my wedding 2 years latter. He surprised me. I had invited him, but since I didn't know where he lived I had to send the invitation to his parents. I wasn't expecting him to come. He lived in LAS VEGAS at the time and the morning of my wedding he flew up and then flew back that night. I was so happy to see him I almost disrupted my own wedding. Later that night after my wedding I cried to my mom on the phone and told her I had made a mistake and now I can't change it. How do you UN-do an hours old marriage?

Mike and I didn't seen or heard from each other for 9 years. I had written him one note, but he was afraid to answer. We both carried pictures of each other around with us and he kept one of me at his desk and I kept one of him in my journal.

My marriage had been bad from the beginning. We always tried to make it good and sometimes it would work for awhile. I started thinking of ways to leave my husband after about 5 years, but we just kept trying. Counseling, books, more open communication, individual therapy. We tried everything. I became so sick with so many things. I almost died in Moab, Headaches that would kill a plow horse, heart surgery, etc. The strain of it all killed what was left of us. MY ex-husband shut off. I told him I needed to find Mike. He helped me. Mike Called at just the right moment. He called me December of 07. It was like no time had passed. I soon learned that my marriage was not the only one that was hanging by a thread. When he would limp his way through a bad patch in his marriage I would try too hold him up, and he would do the same for me. Although many people warned us and thought it wrong that we be so closely involved in each others live at such tender times, we were each others strength. My Ex could see that Mike made me happy and encouraged me to be with him despite himself.

Although neither of us really expected it or really wanted it at the time, we began to fall in love. We think back now and wonder if we always have been and just never acknowledged it. I fought it. I was going through a divorce. I didn't want to be in love and be getting a divorce at the same time, but no matter the method I found pathetic love. We revolve around each other. We're like a dance. I'm the lungs and he's my air. My life is so hard right now , but it doesn't matter because with Mike, everything is alright.