Monday, March 16, 2009

Therapy- AGAIN!!!!!

I'm in therapy again. therapy's good, especially when someone such as myself carries around as much anger as I do. Anger is very tiring. I got so very tired of wanting to hit or scream or run a 5k or watch ultimate fighting whenever Kevin and I parted company. I was so tired of being angry. Kevin and I have had so many conversations about our past relationship and it's problems and it's final ending, that we both thought we left it all in peace and behind us. We even asked and forgave each other, but yet there has been so much anger between us. I have been very confused and honestly my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I was beginning to feel like my wrongs were unforgivable. I thought Kevin forgave me, so why was he still so angry at me I at myself? If my wrongs were unforgivable than, I must be a VERY bad person. Why would God ever listen to me or even want me near Him? This had been my train of thought of the last few months. I decided that the only way I would ever be able to forgive myself and get over the anger I harbored for myself was to get over the anger I felt for Kevin. to therapy I went. I love therapy. It puts everything into perspective. She told me that me anger is totally natural. Anger is your body/mind/emotions/ way of telling you that something is wrong. What was wrong in this situation is that Kevin was still angry and probably still trying to control me a bit the way he used to. He still had a key to the house and could walk in when ever he wanted and pick small fights with me about Ice cream scoops. He tries to change the divorce decree to try to keep control. Although, It may feel to me like my divorce happened a million years ago , it was only last year. Emotions are still raw on both sides and it will only take time for the anger on both our parts for it to subside. She said that moving into a house that is "mine" and has no connection to him will do wonders for me. Kevin can no longer just come in. He will no longer have control of that part of my life. As for the custody stuff, she reminded me that I am the custodial parent. I have ultimate and final say in their living arrangements. I have to think about the kids and their well being and not let Kevin control me in that either.

After an hour of listening and talking, the funniest thing happened. Something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I was hoping to walk out of there with a way to cope with my anger, but I began to feel a little bit of faith building up again.
My anger was natural. His anger was natural. There was nothing wrong with me. I could be forgiven. I could forgive myself. It would just take time, like everything else. I just needed to breath and try to keep my cool around Kevin for awhile and let time heal everything.


Manda Jane said...

I'm sorry things are still rough for you :( The Lord knows and loves you my Brenda! He will always be there for you!!

demoux family said...

I'm glad that you found something that helps, hopefully the new house will be a wonderful thing for you guys. Good luck.

Sparverius said...

I'm glad you are in therapy. I used to think therapy was for wimps. How wrong was I? It's totally for people who have the courage to face their toughest times, deepest hurts, and work to get through them.