Sunday, January 4, 2009


About a million years ago I was reading some other blog and the woman writing it wrote in her profile that she loved her husband to the point of being pathetic. Wow! My heart nearly broke with ache, because I believed I would never feel that kind of love. I had never known anything but the feelings of possession that mimic love, and the love of a very good friend, but never real , knock ya off your feet, this is the guy, romantic kind of love until now. I am finally able to identify with that unknown blog woman. I am pathetically in- love. I had no Idea love felt so good. No wonder there are so many books, and poems written about it. I understand romantic comedy's a lot better now. I don't feel that little green jealousy bug bite be anymore when I see a truly happy couple. I used to hate looking at other peoples wedding pictures. ugh!

A little thing or two about my Mike: Mike and I met during our Junior year of High School. We met in creative writing class. He thought it was funny that I wrote BLAAAAAAAA really big on the inside of my note book and then belched into it during class. I showed the class my Belch page and everybody laughed , ha ha ha. Mike thought I was so clever that he wrote , cough, hack, hack on the inside back cover of his note book and when ever he had to cough that's where he did it. Copy cat.

We became fast friends , and would often do things together like go up the U on the mountain during a lighting storm so we could watch the lighting all over the valley. We would got to parks in the middle of the night and just swing on the swings and talk until we were stupid with tiredness. When I bought my first REAL car I took it up to his house to show him and we sat out front kicking the tires while he explained to me the best way to pay it off quickly. When I wrote the stupidest ONE ACT play ever he never criticized me like everyone else did he just designed my set for me and wished me luck. I remember sitting up in the theater seats just watching him, dressed all in black, while stained the floor of one section of my set.

After High School, Mike went up to the U and I didn't. He invited me to a few of the plays that he designed the lights and pyro technics for; the ones I went to were totally freaky so I quit going.
I remember running around the hall of the drama department of with him and sneaking in places we weren't supposed to go.

During the summers he would go to Cedar City to work for the Shakespearean festival. He would come back up to Salt Lake and bring me gifts and ask me to come down and hang out for a while. I always said no, because I was a chicken of my directional skills and had never driven that far yet in my life and was afraid I would get lost. After several attempts to get me to come down he finally stopped asking, and I didn't see him again until his wedding 4 years later.

When he saw me at his wedding he began crying and introduced me as his best friend. He later told me that when he saw me he realized he married the wrong person.

We didn't see each other until my wedding 2 years latter. He surprised me. I had invited him, but since I didn't know where he lived I had to send the invitation to his parents. I wasn't expecting him to come. He lived in LAS VEGAS at the time and the morning of my wedding he flew up and then flew back that night. I was so happy to see him I almost disrupted my own wedding. Later that night after my wedding I cried to my mom on the phone and told her I had made a mistake and now I can't change it. How do you UN-do an hours old marriage?

Mike and I didn't seen or heard from each other for 9 years. I had written him one note, but he was afraid to answer. We both carried pictures of each other around with us and he kept one of me at his desk and I kept one of him in my journal.

My marriage had been bad from the beginning. We always tried to make it good and sometimes it would work for awhile. I started thinking of ways to leave my husband after about 5 years, but we just kept trying. Counseling, books, more open communication, individual therapy. We tried everything. I became so sick with so many things. I almost died in Moab, Headaches that would kill a plow horse, heart surgery, etc. The strain of it all killed what was left of us. MY ex-husband shut off. I told him I needed to find Mike. He helped me. Mike Called at just the right moment. He called me December of 07. It was like no time had passed. I soon learned that my marriage was not the only one that was hanging by a thread. When he would limp his way through a bad patch in his marriage I would try too hold him up, and he would do the same for me. Although many people warned us and thought it wrong that we be so closely involved in each others live at such tender times, we were each others strength. My Ex could see that Mike made me happy and encouraged me to be with him despite himself.

Although neither of us really expected it or really wanted it at the time, we began to fall in love. We think back now and wonder if we always have been and just never acknowledged it. I fought it. I was going through a divorce. I didn't want to be in love and be getting a divorce at the same time, but no matter the method I found pathetic love. We revolve around each other. We're like a dance. I'm the lungs and he's my air. My life is so hard right now , but it doesn't matter because with Mike, everything is alright.


Sparverius said...

So many things make so much more sense now.

Good luck making it through the tough times.

demoux family said...

I'm sorry there were so many hard times, but I'm glad that you are happier now.