Monday, March 16, 2009

Therapy- AGAIN!!!!!

I'm in therapy again. therapy's good, especially when someone such as myself carries around as much anger as I do. Anger is very tiring. I got so very tired of wanting to hit or scream or run a 5k or watch ultimate fighting whenever Kevin and I parted company. I was so tired of being angry. Kevin and I have had so many conversations about our past relationship and it's problems and it's final ending, that we both thought we left it all in peace and behind us. We even asked and forgave each other, but yet there has been so much anger between us. I have been very confused and honestly my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I was beginning to feel like my wrongs were unforgivable. I thought Kevin forgave me, so why was he still so angry at me I at myself? If my wrongs were unforgivable than, I must be a VERY bad person. Why would God ever listen to me or even want me near Him? This had been my train of thought of the last few months. I decided that the only way I would ever be able to forgive myself and get over the anger I harbored for myself was to get over the anger I felt for Kevin. to therapy I went. I love therapy. It puts everything into perspective. She told me that me anger is totally natural. Anger is your body/mind/emotions/ way of telling you that something is wrong. What was wrong in this situation is that Kevin was still angry and probably still trying to control me a bit the way he used to. He still had a key to the house and could walk in when ever he wanted and pick small fights with me about Ice cream scoops. He tries to change the divorce decree to try to keep control. Although, It may feel to me like my divorce happened a million years ago , it was only last year. Emotions are still raw on both sides and it will only take time for the anger on both our parts for it to subside. She said that moving into a house that is "mine" and has no connection to him will do wonders for me. Kevin can no longer just come in. He will no longer have control of that part of my life. As for the custody stuff, she reminded me that I am the custodial parent. I have ultimate and final say in their living arrangements. I have to think about the kids and their well being and not let Kevin control me in that either.

After an hour of listening and talking, the funniest thing happened. Something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I was hoping to walk out of there with a way to cope with my anger, but I began to feel a little bit of faith building up again.
My anger was natural. His anger was natural. There was nothing wrong with me. I could be forgiven. I could forgive myself. It would just take time, like everything else. I just needed to breath and try to keep my cool around Kevin for awhile and let time heal everything.

Friday, March 6, 2009

March 4th

March 4Th would have been Mine and Kevin's 10Th anniversary. I didn't think about it most of the day. Occasionally I would get mad because we were supposed to go to Disneyland on our 10Th, but other than that it was totally out of my head. I was packing my closet and I fond on that day of all days my wedding video. I had totally forgotten that I even had one. Just for kicks I put it in and Mike and I watched it. the Quality was really bad ( it was VHS) and it look all cartoony and weird. We knew Mike would be in some of the video so we spent our energy watching for him. When we saw him we would get excited and laugh and tried to remember what we said to each other. He would comment how pretty I looked and how my smile made still makes him week at the knees. Most of the video didn't bother me, it was the very end that really touched me and began to make me tear up and hurt a bit. I had taken still pictures of the times we had BEFORE we were married and put them to music. A blind Idiot could tell how happy we were. Kevin once said our marriage ruined our friendship and from the look of those pictures, that was a bare bones true statement. He was my best friend. I cared about him so much. I only wish some of that friendship could have carried over to our marriage. I wish I could find a few pictures so you could you what we felt together once upon a time.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

total stress

A lot has happened in the matter of a few short weeks. I got fired. We found out that our house got sold and we had a until the first of April to find a suitable home to live in. That 's not an easy a task as it sounds. We also have to finish planning and execute our "wedding /reception" . Oh yeah , and pack. I am so stressed. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot and I yell a lot. What hurts the most is that my kids, whom I love so deeply can see and feel the stress I;m under and want to be with there dad. We'll who wouldn't. there's no stress there. Brylea bought me a chocolate chocolate doughnut yesterday with her own " gold" moneys. I don't eat sugar , but I ate it for her , because she got it for me to help me feel better. I need help with something. Prayers. packing. I sometimes that the world was a big marionette and I was the puppete master controlling it all. making it all go the way in needed it to go. I was talking to my mom the other day and expressing to her that I don't know how to have faith. I don't know how to turn ever thing over to the Lord. To put my life in his hands and trust him to take care of me. I have always needed to have control. I don't understand the Lords time, when my needs are now. It's so frustrating. the only thing I know how to do is fast and pray. Fast like Enoch. Is that the right prophet? the one who fasted for all those days , what was 3, 40? My mom told me I'd be dead if I fasted for 40 so 3 is all I can do. I have to do something. I really need a job. I'm a really good dental assistant. I just need someone to give me a chance- again.