Why is it called a honeymoon?

Our honeymoon in Vegas was great. It was warm, and we got to sleep in until 1 O'clock most days. We saw 5 wonderful shows: Mystere, KA, "O": all by Cirque Du Soleil. We saw BELIEVE by Chris Angel and Cirque Du Solei ( not my favorite, but pretty good) and, The Blue Man Group. We got to hang out with some of Mike's old friends , Who also happen to be the lighting crew for 2 of the Cirque shows. I got to get a back stage tour of the "O" theater, and Mike showed me all around the KA lighting booth. The Bellagio hotel had a beautiful indoor garden with super cool water features; globes and archways made entirely out of water. There was a butterfly house and a zen garden. It was all so beautiful we didn't know what to take pictures of. Outside the Bellagio there was of course the famous dancing fountains. We stuck around the the warm night air to watch two of the shows. We bought M&M's from the largest M&M store and enjoyed them and a cup of Coke across the way at in the Everything Coca Cola store. had I probably gained 10 lbs eating out all the time in lounges and restaurants. We went to spas and I even got my nose pierced ( again). . .

We had so much fun we never wanted to come home.

The kids

In an instant I went from a mother of two to a mother of six. Suddenly I was hearing "mommy" in surround sound. I am the proud owner of 9 year old triplets ( not really, but I do have three 9 year olds) , an 8 year old , 6 year old, and a very cute ,but bossy 4 year old. I don't have all the kids ALL the time. There are weekends that we have 6, 4, 2, or, no kids at all. it's been very interesting meshing all their very different personalities into our small house in west valley and now into our even smaller house in west Jordan.

Ethan (9) is a very dramatic kid. He worries a lot about a lot of silly things. He is also very smart.

Miranda ( 9){ bottom picture , in goggles} likes to be the mom. She also has quite a little temper and doesn't mind showing it. She loves soccer and playing with her dad.

Keander ( 9) likes to role play and take charge of all the games. He's a tender kid and wears his emotions on his sleeve.

Gabi ( 8) laughs like a chipmunk. She also likes to play mother but is pushy about it. She's sweet and cuddly.

Collin ( 6) is funny. He doesn't even have to try. He was born on April 1st. it's in his make up. He loves HOT WHEELS and has a stubborn streak that could stop a train.

Brylea (4) knows she's cute and uses that to her advantage. She picks up the traits of the other kids like a chameleon. She stays awake way past midnight coloring and drawing in books.

When we have all 6 here , needless to say our house is VERY full. They all have to be reminded how much we love them and that they need to love each other and that " no, hitting each other and calling each other names is not OK!" Some days it's harder than others , but I love all my kids. Even when their feet stink.

Therapy- AGAIN!!!!!

I'm in therapy again. therapy's good, especially when someone such as myself carries around as much anger as I do. Anger is very tiring. I got so very tired of wanting to hit or scream or run a 5k or watch ultimate fighting whenever Kevin and I parted company. I was so tired of being angry. Kevin and I have had so many conversations about our past relationship and it's problems and it's final ending, that we both thought we left it all in peace and behind us. We even asked and forgave each other, but yet there has been so much anger between us. I have been very confused and honestly my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I was beginning to feel like my wrongs were unforgivable. I thought Kevin forgave me, so why was he still so angry at me I at myself? If my wrongs were unforgivable than, I must be a VERY bad person. Why would God ever listen to me or even want me near Him? This had been my train of thought of the last few months. I decided that the only way I would ever be able to forgive myself and get over the anger I harbored for myself was to get over the anger I felt for Kevin. So...off to therapy I went. I love therapy. It puts everything into perspective. She told me that me anger is totally natural. Anger is your body/mind/emotions/ way of telling you that something is wrong. What was wrong in this situation is that Kevin was still angry and probably still trying to control me a bit the way he used to. He still had a key to the house and could walk in when ever he wanted and pick small fights with me about Ice cream scoops. He tries to change the divorce decree to try to keep control. Although, It may feel to me like my divorce happened a million years ago , it was only last year. Emotions are still raw on both sides and it will only take time for the anger on both our parts for it to subside. She said that moving into a house that is "mine" and has no connection to him will do wonders for me. Kevin can no longer just come in. He will no longer have control of that part of my life. As for the custody stuff, she reminded me that I am the custodial parent. I have ultimate and final say in their living arrangements. I have to think about the kids and their well being and not let Kevin control me in that either.

After an hour of listening and talking, the funniest thing happened. Something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I was hoping to walk out of there with a way to cope with my anger, but I began to feel a little bit of faith building up again.
My anger was natural. His anger was natural. There was nothing wrong with me. I could be forgiven. I could forgive myself. It would just take time, like everything else. I just needed to breath and try to keep my cool around Kevin for awhile and let time heal everything.

March 4th

March 4Th would have been Mine and Kevin's 10Th anniversary. I didn't think about it most of the day. Occasionally I would get mad because we were supposed to go to Disneyland on our 10Th, but other than that it was totally out of my head. I was packing my closet and I fond on that day of all days my wedding video. I had totally forgotten that I even had one. Just for kicks I put it in and Mike and I watched it. the Quality was really bad ( it was VHS) and it look all cartoony and weird. We knew Mike would be in some of the video so we spent our energy watching for him. When we saw him we would get excited and laugh and tried to remember what we said to each other. He would comment how pretty I looked and how my smile made still makes him week at the knees. Most of the video didn't bother me, it was the very end that really touched me and began to make me tear up and hurt a bit. I had taken still pictures of the times we had BEFORE we were married and put them to music. A blind Idiot could tell how happy we were. Kevin once said our marriage ruined our friendship and from the look of those pictures, that was a bare bones true statement. He was my best friend. I cared about him so much. I only wish some of that friendship could have carried over to our marriage. I wish I could find a few pictures so you could you what we felt together once upon a time.

total stress

A lot has happened in the matter of a few short weeks. I got fired. We found out that our house got sold and we had a until the first of April to find a suitable home to live in. That 's not an easy a task as it sounds. We also have to finish planning and execute our "wedding /reception" . Oh yeah , and pack. I am so stressed. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot and I yell a lot. What hurts the most is that my kids, whom I love so deeply can see and feel the stress I;m under and want to be with there dad. We'll who wouldn't. there's no stress there. Brylea bought me a chocolate chocolate doughnut yesterday with her own " gold" moneys. I don't eat sugar , but I ate it for her , because she got it for me to help me feel better. I need help with something. Prayers. packing. I sometimes that the world was a big marionette and I was the puppete master controlling it all. making it all go the way in needed it to go. I was talking to my mom the other day and expressing to her that I don't know how to have faith. I don't know how to turn ever thing over to the Lord. To put my life in his hands and trust him to take care of me. I have always needed to have control. I don't understand the Lords time, when my needs are now. It's so frustrating. the only thing I know how to do is fast and pray. Fast like Enoch. Is that the right prophet? the one who fasted for all those days , what was 3, 40? My mom told me I'd be dead if I fasted for 40 so 3 is all I can do. I have to do something. I really need a job. I'm a really good dental assistant. I just need someone to give me a chance- again.

Facebook

What the crap is Facebook?

Once a month my family ( mom, dad, brothers and sister and their families) get together to have Family Home Evening. On one of these nights they start talking about Facebook and say " Brenda where are you?" " We all get on there and wonder where you are. You need to get on there." I barely know how to blog. I'm getting instruction from my 12 year old niece. My step kids mother spends all her time on Facebook and totally ignores them and I just couldn't see how that could be possible. NOW I can!! The thing is so blasted confusing I spent over two hours just trying to get things set up. That's probably why she spends so much time on it, she can't figure it out either. I had better get a job soon, or I just might become so addicted to figuring out Facebook that I too will ignore my children. The Internet is bad news man. Oh! wow. My Facebook just now popped on with a message from my gorgeous husband. I'm telling you this stuff is weird. It even knows who my friends are before I do. ( pretend you are hearing the theme to the twilight zone)

crash and burn

I got fired today.

Naturally I'm very upset. Not so much that I got fired because I was looking for a new job anyway. I hated one of the Dr's I worked for and apparently he hated me too. I was still in the 90 day grace period, so my attendance was being monitored very closely. This idiot Dr kept sending me home for the stupidest reasons. One day he sent me home because I started my period. What a jerk. He said he needed me to be on top of my game. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but i had to go home because he said so. He also said I asked too many questions. Well, I needed to know where all the materials and other instruments were kept if he wanted me to assist him. He didn't like my attitude either. I sang songs and hummed along with the Kozy 105 that was always playing. I guess that was the wrong attitude to have. Anyway, he sent me home enough times that I got fired for it. I know why he didn't like me. I did do something that I probably shouldn't have. I kinda called him out. He had a bad habit of correcting me and his other assistants in front of the patients. It made us all look stupid. I was often humiliated for really stupid things like leaving a blank line on the patient charts. One day I had had enough of his correcting me in front of the patients so I told him so, in front of a patient. I asked him how it felt to be humiliated. I realize now that that was a bad call on my part. Now I don't have a job and no money and a very big house payment. This is the second time in 5 months that I have been unemployed. I don't know if I'm being punished or humbled. Mike says maybe I'm being a little bit of both - pummeled. Sure does feel like it.